October 1994

14 years ago I chose to have an abortion when I was 7 weeks pregnant.  I had just begun my senior year and he was a junior.  We had been best friends for two years before we started dating.  My mother said she would be there for me regardless of what decision I had made and she was.  She was there for the throwing up, waiting along side of me as the pink lines appeared, she was there for every bit of it.  I admire her for that.

I remember bits and pieces of that day.  I am hoping that through this journey, I am able to remember it all at some point.  

You see, I have spent the past 14 years hating myself and not forgiving myself.  I had always felt that I chose Hell instead of Heaven that day.  I have always felt that God could never ever begin to forgive me.  I felt that the person I once was before the abortion, died that day along with my baby.  My abortion has been kept as my deepest darkest secret.   

Depression, self hatred, suicidal thoughts, rage, anger, sadness, regret, guilt, and disgust are the emotions I have encountered daily for the past 14 years.  I have tried counselors.  Four to be exact.  I knew I needed to deal with the abortion to heal but I never chose healing consciously . I have always chosen the other...  Didn't I deserve to feel all this turmoil, wasn't it my punishment?  Why is it that I have taught students who were born in 1995 every single year since I began teaching in 2000?  My past haunts me daily.  

I am so very tired.  Tired of hating.  Tired of hurting.  I am ready to heal.  I am unsure of what lies ahead and I know it is going to be a very emotional journey.