Planned Parenthood Suggests Giving Gift Certificates

In Indiana, Planned Parenthood has made is possible to buy a gift certificate for any service they provide, including an abortion.  Are you kidding me?  They are not just offering gift certificates.....  they are providing a death sentence to be given as a Christmas GIFT, should the woman choose abortion.  Who in the world would purchase such a thing?  I can't imagine a woman choosing abortion and being able to go through with it because she was given a gift certificate as a gift, for Christmas much less.  Of course, they are blaming it on the state of the economy.  So who is going to help out when the woman needs therapy, because she chose abortion?  Hmmmm, how about she pays a visit to the person that made it possible with their gift certificate...... 

When is society going to realize the horrible impact abortion has on women?  They should be handing out gift certificates for professional counseling or inpatient therapy for post abortive women.  That would be money well spent. 

If they want to truly help out and be in the Christmas spirit..... save a post-abortive woman's life.... many of us are on the verge of suicide because we can't face another day, living with their decision and filled with the hatred towards ourselves.  

Today is a Blue Day....

Today was one of those days.....  I didn't post yesterday because, guess what.......yesterday was one of those days too!  I can't seem to get out of this funk.  This funk has lasted a little longer than past funks.  I attribute some of it to my antidepressants being switched around.  Six years ago I started on Zoloft, switched to Lexapro two years later and stayed on that for 2 1/2 years, then Pristiq (this one really messed me up more than ANY others).....  and now I am on Wellbutrin.  So far... the newest is not working.  Things have gotten way way worse than better. Unbelievable sadness and not happy with life.  There is so very much I have to be thankful for. Why does this happen to me?  Is it because of the horrible mistake I made 14 years ago?  Why do I live this way.......  

Obviously, this whole healing deal is going to a long, long, long process.  I do believe though that I am on the right track.  I will get to a place where I feel I have healed my past and forgiven myself.  I will not ever give up on my hope, it is all I have....

I haven't gotten around to writing the letter my counselor suggested.  I will though... soon enough.  

Day 2 of My Healing Journey

I usually never read more than one book at a time.  But, I am currently reading two great books. The first is Your Scars Are Beautiful To God by Sharon Jaynes, and the second is Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  Both are very insightful pieces that have me thinking and digesting information that I feel will help with my healing process.  Ultimately nothing I read in a book is going to guide me through this journey until I forgive myself. I am heading in that direction.  Am I there yet?  No, not even close.  But I am excited and ready to get there.  

It scares me greatly to think that this new found thinking and desire to change will not last and I will revert back to what I have been these past 14 years.  It is hard to change old habits and old ways of thinking.  The thing that I think most post-abortive women do, is we constantly beat ourselves up.  There was has not been one single day that I didn't think about what a disgusting and shameful person I was, unworthy of forgiveness.  We constantly don't feel that we can ever be forgiven or worthy of anything positive in our lives.   I know there are others out there that are so outraged and disgusted with abortion (rightly so) that would say this is what I deserve, based on the choices I made. I don't feel that this is true.

I believe that because I have exhausted myself with 14 years of pretending and only dealing with the unending guilt and pain under a cloak of total shame, is the healing going to begin.  I am tired of living in the dark. I have really tried playing the part of someone who has it together.  The time has come where I no longer have the energy to keep it together.  

Do I believe this will be a final fix for the mental problems that have haunted me?  No I am fully aware that there will be times when the sadness will revisit.  I will no longer drown in these dark feelings though.

A missing piece of my first post did not tell of my husband of 9 1/2 years.  He is the father of our aborted baby.  After the abortion, I had unimaginable rage towards both of us and our parts in ending our babies life.  I became abusive towards him physically and emotionally.  I wanted him to feel the hurt to the degree that I was.  At the time, I never knew the depths of his pain. He lost a child too.  I was so selfish in my grief and have been.  

Throughout our marriage he has dealt with a wife who is totally emotionally unstable and as a result, we have become something so far from what we once were.  We are at a difficult time in our marriage and are attending counseling.  It is helping us deal with and discuss issues we knew were there, but never faced.  The statistics of post abortive couples... 70% divorce.  We will NOT be a statistic.  Our marriage will survive.  We have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl.  We have been blessed.  God has not punished us as we thought He would for so many years.....  I am learning a lot about God through this journey also.  He is not this revengeful being that I had Him out to be..... He is a loving Father who forgives those who truly repent.  So many good things are in our future, I just know it!

The Elephant on my shoulders

The weight of the past 14 years is slowly getting lighter.  Waking this morning, I had a feeling that I haven't felt in years.  I awoke thinking and believing for the first time in 14 years, that I actually might be able to heal.   I am unsure of why I have chosen to heal at this point in my life, other than wanting to live again.  I have always been one to love life and live it to the fullest.  I haven't done that since the abortion.  I now know that if I don't heal and live with peace, I will destroy everything I have been blessed with.  

It has been years since I have gone to counseling.  Yesterday I had my first session with a professional counselor.  It went very well.  My homework from the session is two different assignments.  The first is to read Romans 8 everyday for the next week and the second assignment is to write a letter to the baby I aborted.  My stomach knots up when I think about writing that letter.  I haven't started it yet.  Honestly I dread it.   The letter though is an important step to my healing.  I will post the letter once it is written.  

October 1994

14 years ago I chose to have an abortion when I was 7 weeks pregnant.  I had just begun my senior year and he was a junior.  We had been best friends for two years before we started dating.  My mother said she would be there for me regardless of what decision I had made and she was.  She was there for the throwing up, waiting along side of me as the pink lines appeared, she was there for every bit of it.  I admire her for that.

I remember bits and pieces of that day.  I am hoping that through this journey, I am able to remember it all at some point.  

You see, I have spent the past 14 years hating myself and not forgiving myself.  I had always felt that I chose Hell instead of Heaven that day.  I have always felt that God could never ever begin to forgive me.  I felt that the person I once was before the abortion, died that day along with my baby.  My abortion has been kept as my deepest darkest secret.   

Depression, self hatred, suicidal thoughts, rage, anger, sadness, regret, guilt, and disgust are the emotions I have encountered daily for the past 14 years.  I have tried counselors.  Four to be exact.  I knew I needed to deal with the abortion to heal but I never chose healing consciously . I have always chosen the other...  Didn't I deserve to feel all this turmoil, wasn't it my punishment?  Why is it that I have taught students who were born in 1995 every single year since I began teaching in 2000?  My past haunts me daily.  

I am so very tired.  Tired of hating.  Tired of hurting.  I am ready to heal.  I am unsure of what lies ahead and I know it is going to be a very emotional journey.